Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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