Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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