i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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