Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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