I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
All I want is dick and wine.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
