OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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