I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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