Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
