saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
