Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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