Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
