at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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