The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
