Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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