ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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