dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
