My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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