he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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