I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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