the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
