There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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