I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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