I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
