She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
