watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
