She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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