not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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