at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
