Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
