If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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