as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
