By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
