sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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