I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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