the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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