So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
