You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
