were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
