Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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