I think I won the penis lottery.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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