I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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