this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
