Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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