Your mouth is God's brothel.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
