If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
