Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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