why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
There r osticjed everywhere
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
