I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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