thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
