Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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