whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I am midnight drunk by noon
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
