Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
