I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
