First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
