I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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